146 Years

Justin turned 20 years old last month.  So, on his birthday, I went out and bought Christy twenty roses.  She's the one who did all the work twenty years ago.  Justin sort of just had to show up and be baby-like.  Pretty easy gig for a baby.

Nothing against Justin, of course.  He was a great first baby, and will always hold that place of honor in our hearts.  While he was cutting his teeth on us, we were sort of cutting our teeth on him, and he probably suffered the most because of it.  But he's also the only of our five children who ever received our undivided attention - even if it was for only two years until Abbie showed up -- again, with Christy doing all the work.  Christy always does all the work.

But twenty years is a milestone for any parent.  In fact, the way I see it, we reached the 20 year mark many years ago.  You see, each kid is different and requires a completely separate set of parenting skills, and so parenting as a father is different from parenting as a mother.  So, by my calculations, our combined years of experience in raising our five children is now 20 years each for Justin, 18 years each for Abbie, 16 years each for Alec, 10 years each for Evan and 9 years each for Maya.  Add that up, and its 146 years -- almost a century and a half of parenting between the two of us.

And what have we learned in those 146 years?  Let me share a few observations:

• Children hold secret meetings to share best practices in confusing their parents, and part of their strategy is to ensure that any effective parenting techniques are immediately identified, quarantined, and strategically neutralized against further parental success.
• Children have the unique mental capacity to alter their own memories, erasing any neurological evidence of wrongdoing.  This accounts for their ability to create convincing and plausible stories, even in the face of eye-witnesses and video surveillance.
• If you ever think you're doing a good job as a parent, just wait a few minutes.
• Children today are capable of successfully texting their friends, watching TV, listening to iTunes, monitoring Facebook, and doing homework all at the same time.  But as soon as a parent speaks, they miraculously lose their ability to focus.
• The child in its natural habitat will demonstrate strong aversions to laundry detergent, bringing in groceries without being asked, turning off lights, and tightening caps on soda bottles.
• A child's potential is indirectly proportional to his or her high score in Angry Birds.
• No matter how bad children may act, and despite the myriad of poor decisions they may make, when it comes down to it, you wouldn't trade your kids for anybody else's.  Besides, my research has determined that child-trading is frowned upon in most societies.

This November after Evan and Alec age up a year, we will reach our 150-year milestone as parents.  While it would be reasonable to expect our children to celebrate this historic and momentous occasion with us, I expect that they will instead focus on more important things, like birthday cake and ice cream that they did not bring in from the car, Facebook postings and text messages about the latest KASP (Kids Against Successful Parenting) meeting, the new version of Angry Birds Gone Wild, and a good story as to why the kitchen light is on and the cap is off the Sprite.

But, we still won't trade them.  They make cute Christmas card pictures.  And, we do love them, after all.

Happy belated birthday, Justin!